Enneagram and Shame

 

(If you would prefer to consume this episode in audio format, Click Here)


 (If you would prefer to consume this episode in audio format, Click Here)

 (If you would prefer to consume this episode in audio format, Click Here)

Shame manifests differently for each type, and as with all our Enneagram work, we must start with self-observation. Getting to know the nuances of how shame shows up for us can help us better identify it and begin to root it out. This is SO important because the nature of shame it that it is most powerful when it is hidden to us and we believe the SHAME we feel is TRUE. 

Only when we identify shame as such, can we distance ourselves from it and no longer allow ourselves to internalize it's toxic message. 

Now, as I dive into how shame manifests for each type, it is SUPER important for me to add this disclaimer: These are STARTING POINTS from which to do your own observation. These are not prescriptive - these are not...

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Defining our terms: Ego and Essence

 

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Have you ever listened to an Enneagram teacher and they throw out some terms that you aren't fully understanding?? Today I am defining two terms: Ego and Essence. 

Ego = False Self
Essence = True Self

Before we go too much further let me just say that neither "self" is bad or good. They are simply two ways of being that do carry with them some consequences, but that's all. I don't want to vilify either of these two ways of being. Both belong. 

Let's start with False Self and Ego. I use these two terms interchangeably. It's the self that we feel that we have to be to make our way in the world. It's a self that is not our true essence, but something we have manufactured. Typically this is something that we create early on in our childhood. We perceive a lack in our "holding" (the environment in which we grew up) and when we perceive this lack we try to create balance by fabricating a...

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The Enneagram and Spiritual Practices

 

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Don't hear what I'm not saying (one of my childhood friend's dad used to say this all the time).

I do not believe the Enneagram can only be useful to ONE religious perspective. I believe the Enneagram transcends religion and can be useful and pulled into all religions and spiritualities. 

However, it IS a tool for spiritual growth, so we are going to go there. 

In my 5 Day Enneagram Challenge I talk a lot about how the Enneagram is a MAP. It's a guide to show us where we begin our journey, where we want to end, how we move and how we might plot a way to get there. 

All Enneagram work should end in freedom - transforming BEYOND our personality and finding that this persona, this armor that we carry is restricting us, it's causing us pain and it's no longer necessary. We begin to take off the armor as we make our way through Enneagram work. 

Removing the armor requires a spiritual...

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Stereotypes and Figuring out your Enneagram Type

Uncategorized Oct 01, 2020

 


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Ok friends, we need to talk. 

Enneagram is NOT about behavior it is about motivation. 

I know, you've probably heard that one MILLION times (as have I) and yet....our silly little brains keep wanting to pull our conversation and the way we think about Enneagram to BEHAVIORS. 

Today we are going to talk about how stereotypes (which are always revolving around BEHAVIORS) keep us from finding our type. 

Enneagram work is not about behavior modification, it is not about behavior classification, it is about understanding our core motivations and using that information to aid us (provide a map for us) in our quest for SPIRITUAL growth and transformation. 

So, anytime we reduce it down to or get stuck in behaviors it will create confusion. 

Now, don't get me wrong, our core motivations can certainly MANIFEST in certain patterns of behaviors - absolutely. However, I have found that...

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Rest and each Enneagram Type

I’m on vacation, and I’m SUPPOSED to not be working. But I can’t help thinking about REST. Why is it so hard for us to TRULY rest (not just numb and disengage…which is a side effect of NOT resting regularly and in a healthy way)?
 
Here are some thoughts around rest and each Enneagram type. 
 
I know for ME, when I am not prioritizing proper rest habits, I am in ego, I get close to burnout, I hold stress in my body and I am NOT my best, healthiest self. 
 
And…my compulsion to avoid rest stems DIRECTLY from the lie that MY type tricks me into believing is true. 
 
Oftentimes when we resist resting it’s a form of rejecting BOTH our divinity and humanity. Not standing in the DIGNITY and love that are ours by birthright, the divinity that our SPIRIT holds. 
And ALSO…
Rejecting our humanity, not allowing ourselves to have flaws, weaknesses, live in mystery or any other number of things that make us...
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The Humanity and Divinity of Each Type

We are made of both breath and dust. Divinity and humanity. The image of the divine, stamped in flesh and bone.

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We walk in full HUMANITY when we honor both of these elements.

We shrink as a shell of our true selves when we reject either (or both).

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This is what breath (divinity) affirms to us: “I AM.”

This is where humanity intersects: “I allow.”

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Take time today to ask yourself: “Do I see and honor the image of the divine in me? Do I believe I am held, supported, loved, provided for, protected, connected, safe, worthy and good?”

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Take time today and ask yourself “Where am I rejecting my humanity? Where am I refusing to allow for flaws and needs, discomfort and failure, chaos, love and mystery?”

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Ego refuses both breath and dust. Healing comes when we work to return and become FULLY HUMAN once more.

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If you are intrigued by this concept, and would like to explore where this refusal to step into both your divinity and humanity...

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Self Coaching with Compassion

 

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One of the most important and very first things I do when I am coaching with a client is make sure that I meet them with empathy and compassion. 
 
When clients share with me their shame, their fear, anger, 
insecurities or frustrations, often times I can see they have already beat themselves up about it. 
 
All the “shoulds” come out. All the ways they “know better” but keep finding themselves doing the same thing over and over. 
 
In that moment, one of the most powerful things that any coach, therapist, mentor, etc can do is meet all of that lack with abundance. Abundant compassion, love and empathy. 
 
Compassion allows all the swirling emotions and energy to slow and settle. 
 
If you’ve ever had a glass bottle with water and sand or dirt in it, you know that when it’s swirling around and the sediment and sand are...
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Anger and the Enneagram

Uncategorized Jul 16, 2020

In the Enneagram we categorize each of the triads as identifying with a primary emotion. 

The heart triad (types 2, 3, 4) correlates to SHAME. 
The head triad (types 5, 6, 7) correlates to FEAR.
The gut triad (types 8, 9, 1) correlates to ANGER. 

Anger seems like the black sheep of the family. As soon as it's expressed or verbalized, most of us experience the instinct to shut it down. Tell it to be quiet. Lock it up. Throw it in out of sight. There seems to be less compassion. Less understanding. Less room for sitting with and understanding anger. This is never more apparent than how we treat children who express anger (especially compared to how we treat children who feel ashamed or afraid).

I think asking why we feel the way we do, around anger is an important conversation  to have. Especially as we are all navigating life experiences that stretch us beyond anything we have lived through before - and anger (along with shame and fear) are popping up. I am nervous...

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Enneagram and Compassion

"When the Enneagram is not coupled with compassion it can become a weapon."

Read that again. 
One more time. 

Ok. Listen, this is true not only in how we use the Enneagram with others, but JUST as importantly, how we use it with ourselves. 

Compassion must increase along with our understanding of the Enneagram, or it will wound us. 

Here are a few simple ways you can practice compassion (and self-compassion) as you move along your Enneagram journey. 

1) Let the Enneagram meet you (and others) right where you are at. 

There is so much peace in admitting that you aren't ready for the Enneagram to be anything more than a fun tool for classifying yourself. 
There is so much space for simply using it to help you do better work with your team. 

If you partner doesn't care to learn more than just his/her type (or isn't even interested in that) that's ok.

Just because the Enneagram is a deeply spiritual and healing tool doesn't mean you have to be ready...

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Transformation Beneath the Surface

 

Behavior
Emotions
Thoughts

What I do
How I feel
What I think

What I'm angry about
What makes my heart hurt
What I'm afraid of

There is a hierarchy to human behavior.

Usually when we seek growth or transformation we are looking at our BEHAVIOR, we are looking at what we do and something about it makes us angry (or upset). We feel the pain of being stuck in our own actions or habits. 

I often am hired by my clients to help them deal with behavior.
But behavior is never where we start our work. 

Behavior is the RESULT of the layers beneath. 

We do what we FEEL like doing.

We FEEL because of what we THINK to be true, about ourselves, God and others. 

And so, if we want to change behaviors, there are a few steps we must take, and these steps seem to take us BACKWARDS and deeper INTO pain rather than forwards and out of pain, and this is often why we stay stuck a lot longer than we need too because the way out is THROUGH. Not around, over or away, but THROUGH. 

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